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Marissa

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7/12/09 03:59 pm - 307.

Alone upstairs, again.While things with Jared & I seemed to have calmed down, we haven't really had time to figure stuff out. Our house has been so chaotic for the past couple of days. The show last night was amazing. So much fun. I'm so proud that it was at my house and that there were younger kids that could come & be in a safe environment to hang out & listen to music. The bands were all so nice, and we kept the drinking to a minimum (in the backyard) which was cool. People brought their dogs, donated money, bought merch & overall respected our house... it was awesome. Punch was so much fun, and so was Cower! Damn, that Cower set was crayyyyzaaayy. I'm really glad Jeff let me off early so I could come to the house, that was so nice of him. I like getting off at 2/3! Tiiiight.

Anyway, just wanted to mention that. Gonna go take a bath & maybe go to Collage and pedX.

1/24/09 05:13 pm - 283.

GOD, I WANT MICKEY SOOOO BAD! he has the perfect name, too. mickey... short for mikhailovich!

i swear to gah HE'S MINE! i held him today for the first time. SOOOO cute.
he pooped on me at least five times and i didnt even care. (or realize, for that matter.) THAT IS TRUE FUCKING LOVE RIGHT THERE.
he's just so cute. and so is milly, but mickey is cuter.

just being at the humane society breaks my heart. but at the same time, i know that i'm doing my part.


aaaagh. tera melos. dope.

im so excited to see jared today. i hope he's doing better. because i am not in the fucking mood for grumpy mcgrumperson.


space heater r00lz.
dat iz @ll.

12/25/08 01:16 pm - 275.

so it's "christmas" today. the past couple of days i spent with hannah & her family. it was really nice to get away from my brothers negativity. it's weird to see how everyone else's family is close and it's just... ah. weird.

this whole day so far i've spent alone. i feel kindof lame. everyone is with their parents & family. no one is around. i've been calling jared for hours... he doesn't answer or respond. i kindof don't want to bother him because i feel like i'll ruin his whole day or something. i just don't get it. joey isn't answering either... i dont know if he went to canby or if he's still going to volunteer.

my dad woke me up early to go to breakfast but i was too tired. then i got up & they hadn't left, so i started getting ready. they were leaving & i went out to say "hey are you coming back?" - i figured they were just going to return the rental car. he said they were, so i got ready. and waited. and waited. and waited. obviously they went out to breakfast without me, because they didnt come back for three or four hours.

i just spent hours alone in an empty house, watching reality shows on bravo & eating ramen noodles, trying to get ahold of someone so i wouldn't feel so fucking lonely. part of me feels like i've missed out on something. i get gifts with requirements. it's like, "i bought you that yesterday, so you owe me." shit, i don't even get gifts. that's so weird to think. hannah made me a necklace & i was so happy. i couldn't believe she actually did that for me. she painted an owl for me. i ask for things from my parents or siblings. they don't give things to me. what the fuck is a gift. i kindof beg. it's slightly pathetic. if i want something, i have to do this or this or that. or if i get something, it can be taken away the next day if i piss my mom off over the dumbest thing.

i feel very strange. i feel like an outsider who's on the inside. i realized, we don't have family portraits, we rarely eat at the same table (unless we go out to eat) & i don't feel like anyone actually knows anyone else in my family. i'm closest to my fucking DOG.

i love jared so much. i want to be with him. i'm glad i am. but sometimes i feel like, when he's so far away, how do i deal with the loneliness? he has so much. he has friends & family. he has a job. he has music. he has so much to fall back on. but for me, like... i have him. and he doesn't understand why i would be a little upset if he ignored my calls. my insurance pays for someone for me to fall back on. loren. other than that... i can't go up to my mom & say "hey whats up?" when i'm lonely. i lay in bed, with my dog, playing tetris. or i take a bath.

i think that's why i hate people so much. i hate what i don't understand.

i feel like hannah is one of the first real friends i've ever had.
it's kindof pathetic. i'm almost 18 years old & she's the first girl who's let me spend the night at her house.
i'm not sure how to react to it.

i'm not sure where i belong at all.

12/8/08 09:30 pm - 273.

i'm just really fucking angry.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHH.

WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO BE SO F UCKING STUPID?

TODAY ON THE BUS I SAW THESE TWO IDIOT TWEAKERS GET ALL UP ON THESE BOYS WHO WERE JUST LOOKING AT THEM. THEY STARTED CALLING THEM NIGGERS & YADDA DA. I WANTED TO STAB THEM. THEY WERE DISGUSTING METH HEADS. THEY ALL GOT OFF THE BUS TO FIGHT. I HOPE THOSE FUCKING PIECES OF TRASH ARE SITTING IN JAIL TONIGHT. THEY SHOULD'VE STAYED OUT IN THE COLD TO FREEZE. BEING INDOORS, EVEN IN A JAIL CELL, IS SOMETHING THEY DON'T EVEN FUCKING DESERVE.

i'm getting MORE AND MORE uncomfortable in salem. WHAT THE FUCKKKKK is up with all these STUPID meth addicts & crack addicts all up in my SHIT!? everyfuckingwhere i GO.

i want a knife & i don't give a fuck. i don't have a problem slashing up your face if you're disgusting enough to try to fuck with me or anyone else.

i'm just really really angry about everything. i talked to joey for a long time about this stuff. i was just PISSED. why aren't i vegan? everything i eat from now on is going to be vegan. why? because it's injustice towards animals. because by consuming dairy, i'm exploiting animals for something that isn't meant for us. DOGS DON'T DRINK COW MILK, WHY SHOULD WE?

fuck you
fuck you
fuck your stupid house
and your stupid fucking christmas tree
fuck your thanksgiving dinner
fuck you for smoking your camels
and FUCK YOU for eating meat

and i dont fucking care if you're offended
because you are WRONG.
it's just a fucking fact.
Current Music: Martyrdöd - antagonisten | Powered by Last.fm

11/9/08 12:06 am - 270.

BUSTED!
bahahahahahaha!

11/6/08 03:30 pm - 269.

i got my first check! sweeeeeeeeeeet!
but they taxed me on accident. :( fuck. i wanted that 30 bucks!
give it back, give it back! i filed as exempt!

10/30/08 09:42 am - 267.

i can't believe what happened to me on tuesday.
i'm still really pissed, but at the same time...
i don't want to let it consume me because then he "wins."
it's just some old asshole who takes his temp job a LITTLE too seriously.
because he has no life. he's probably jealous of me.
i bet i could do his job 100 times better than he ever has.
that's right bitch. be intimidated by a little "fifteen year old kid."

borrowing my sisters ipod has led me to slightly wanting an ipod.
it's kindof strange. i still dont see all the hype, however, they are slightly cool and/or convenient.

so i have my philosophy midterm at one. i'm a little nervous.
we'll see how it goes. hanging out with miyako yesterday was alright.
she seems really fake. i feel kindof bad for her.

anyways. i don't know.
i have to go to work today after class.
jaque is far too nice to take me.
she's such a sweetheart.
i really hope we become better friends.

"DOPE PEACE!" ;D




Current Music: Yage - We Lost Beauty | Powered by Last.fm

9/29/08 06:48 pm - 262.

so today is the first day of term. i only had two of my classes today, but everything seems alright so far. LOTS of reading. i already did 2 hours of math homework and printed out 35 pages of reading to do this week in my soc class (on top of reading the chapters in the textbook). bullshiiit. i don't even want to know how my writing & philosophy classes are gonna be. fuck! haha.

my math teacher is the nerdiest nerd ever - total math geek. he might get annoying, but he seems nice so as long as i can sit there & look pretty & smile & nod i'll be fine. my soc class is filled with lots of assholes who don't look like they care about sociology or even know what it is. i can tell there are going to be annoying people for sure. hopefully 1/3 of the class will stop coming within the next couple of weeks. i can't handle 40 douche bags in one room filled with an instructor who says "uh, uhm" every other word. i mean, carlos seems alright - he's obviously a smart guy & i'll be able to learn a lot from him, but i can tell he definitely holds back for the 'tards in the class, which i ain't tryna hear. hopefully he'll prove me wrong. hopefully.

today i saw hannah after school. it was nice to see her again. we sat around, i drank tea & we talked for a while. she told me she's going through a hard time with her family & her [ex?] boyfriend. he just turned 21 & she's going to turn 17 in a couple of months & her parents didn't know (and they're hardcore bible thumpers, apparently) and now they went cuckoo bananas on her & wont let her see him or talk to him until she turns 18. thats 14 months. WTF? i feel really bad for her. so now she has to go to church & she's grounded & doesn't have her cell & can't go anywhere & man... that blows. at least her parents don't hit her. as far as i know. she's a really sweet girl, i like her a lot. i hope things work out for her. hopefully i can give her some advice, because that kind of situation happened to me last year & i just... eh, if i could tell her stuff that would make all of this a little easier, i will. who knows if she'll listen? if she's smart, she will... and she's pretty smart.

uyhhhgahahgahhha IM HUNGRY AAAAAAAGGGGH

fuck this stupid confusing shit with my writing class!
UGH. I JUST HAVE TO SUCK IT UP! /slurpslurp
Current Music: The Kidcrash - until the light kills the film | Scrobbled by Last.fm

9/13/08 08:22 pm - 257.

is it possible for a person to get depressed while they're fucking taking the highest dosage of prozac that's allowed to be administered?

yeah. or maybe i'm just feeling normal sadness. at least i don't feel like getting trashed or like killing myself or something stupid like that.

but really, i just feel like a bum. i feel like i could sleep forever & then wake up & cry or something seriously lame like that.

it's ironic that i'm listening to this song, i hadn't realized. funny.
Current Music: M83 - Teen Angst | Scrobbled by Last.fm

9/9/08 07:20 am - 256.

so last night was really bad. i had my first real panic attack of the year... it was insane. our neighbors called the cops because i was screaming so loud - i forgot my window was open. i was so embarrassed because they came over after i had kindof calmed down... then i went to talk to them and it got bad all over again.

shit! my itunes was on all knight! god damn it.

i just got mad over the stupidest thing & i couldn't back down & then i freaked out & started screaming like a maniac because saul can't mind his own business. in the middle of myself screaming and cussing i heard myself and i got "AND I DON'T GIVE A S oh my god i really need that medication i didn't know it was helping me but apparently it was oh my god i am so sorry." and then i kept screaming. so yeah. obviously i really do actually need to be on lamictal. i wasn't sad at all - just extremely angry for no reason. my mom was nagging me & she took away the cell phone & i couldn't find my alarm clock & they kept making it about talking on the phone (really it wasn't, i was going to use the house phone), but i was freaking out because i didnt know how i would wake up in the morning & i hate my mom to wake me up because she puts me in an immediate bad mood. it was insane. and because i was panicking because of that it just spiraled out of control. saul & chantal thought i was just being a brat - but it really wasn't me & i noticed that. i have no idea how i managed last year. once is enough for the year. i have to get back on my meds. and then i kept getting really paranoid! like "OH SAUL & CHANTAL ARE JUST GOING TO SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT ME LISTEN THEY'RE LAUGHING AT ME BLAH BLAH BLAH." and then my brother came in my room later & asked if i needed to be woken up... all nice & shit. WHAT THE FUCK!@!!2!~

last night i realized what aleks meant by saying "i'm not scared to get on another one, i'm scared to get off them!" i didn't feel like a freak, i just felt like... i know who i am and this isn't who i am. i don't want to be this. i was so sorry & so embarrassed.

i'm glad jared didn't pick up his phone - but it sucks that i just hung up on him like that.  i wouldn't want him to hear me that way... it was seriously like a slap in the face. i hate being like this.

FUCK MANNNNN off to escuela!
Current Music: Ultra Dolphins - Synchronized Swimming | Scrobbled by Last.fm

9/8/08 01:43 pm - 255.

the simple fact that i can't say "hey do you want to hang out tomorrow?" makes me feel like half of me is gone.

i don't like that. i need to distract myself.

9/6/08 11:24 pm - 253.

and off you go.

9/1/08 09:04 pm - 252.

school starts tomorrow. that's so weird.

this has been the best summer of my entire life.

8/24/08 03:25 pm - 251.

i'm still a little shocked at the fact that i've seen radiohead live. twice in a row. it was one of the most intense experiences of my life. i haven't been so happy in so long. and even still, days after returning home, i'm still in a great mood. granted, there have been things that have made me go all emotionally retarded, but it really doesn't matter.

i can't seem to be able to put into words this experience.
hopefully soon i'll find the time to get it all out.
Current Music: Radiohead - Lucky | Scrobbled by Last.fm

8/10/08 06:33 pm - 248.

i had no idea i would be so fucking into the olympics. football & baseball are fucking boring to watch. i'm glad i get to watch awesome sports like indoor volleyball, swimming & track, fucking FINALLY. female & male gymnastics ftw. i feel like a loser because all these accomplished athletes are hella young & i'm sitting there watching t.v. all day.

radiohead in 9 days!!!
i better fucking be able to go to vancouver.
come the fuck on...

& i just saw THE MOST DISGUSTING TATTOO EVER.
i can't wait to get one of my own.

i need a fucking JOB & some money asap.
fuck my parents for deciding to not give me money.
and today i'm 126 & i feel damn good about that.
Current Music: Radiohead - Like Spinning Plates | Scrobbled by Last.fm

7/29/08 05:16 pm - 243.

so for about 45 minutes i watched the miley cyrus/hannah montana concert movie thing that had the jonas brothers and all that shit.


i know what the jonas brothers look like & stuff - i never knew what they did. i figured they played "music" but i didn't know it was like, a band & shit. don't they have their own show? idk.


i felt really weird. i was like, hypnotized. the music was horrible, i couldn't hear anything, the screaming little girls were annoying as shit, yet i couldn't look away.


i feel violated.


the entire time all i could think was "that's so surreal, she's younger than me & thousands of little girls in a room are screaming for her. I COULD DO THAT!"

thank god i stopped watching before it was over.



now i know why i make fun of miley cyrus so much. she's retarded & has no talent.
Current Music: Converge - Grim Heart / Black Rose | Scrobbled by Last.fm

7/28/08 02:01 pm - 241.

finally! i found my fucking x-acto knives!!!

7/25/08 04:55 pm - 237.

 GOD THANK BABY JESUS I FOUND MY WALLET IT WAS ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD ON COMMERICIAL SINCE YESTERDAY AT LIKE, 5 PM. IT WAS OPEN & JUST SITTING THERE. THANK GOD I WAS IN A LESSER TRAFFICKED AREA.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK. I THOUGHT I WAS DOOMED!


ugh thanks daaaaad for driving me there <3

okay i am no longer freaking out although i am now a complete retard
i am so lucky it was untouched
Current Music: Radiohead - There There. (The Boney King of Nowhere.) | Scrobbled by Last.fm

7/18/08 03:13 am - 232.

I JUST GOT HOME.
IT MUST BE SAID IMMEDIATELY.


THE DARK KNIGHT IS THE BEST FUCKING MOVIE ON THE PLANET. IT'S SERIOUSLY THE BEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN. THERE WILL BE BLOOD IS CURRENTLY IN THE #2 SPOT. SORRY DDL.

OH MY JESUS FREAKING BALLS.
HEATH ~*~*LEGEND*~*~ FOREVA.





7/16/08 09:29 pm - 230.

i am in so much pain. i hate being a woman. i hate having a vagina. i hate having a uterus. i hate having my motherfucking bloody period. i hate it. it's always been debilitating to me. finally i got on the miracle pill, but now, every three months i bleed like i'm dying. it's disgusting. granted, it's horrible but not nearly as bad as how it used to be. but i'm just so used to not having my period that this all sucks so bad. i feel like i'm being stabbed in the vagina with a fucking samurai sword. :'(
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